It’s fine, it’s good. It’s over and it’s ok. And don’t you dare ever tell me, I could always go back, because I can’t. Because things will never be the same.
But that’s ok. Because I knew it was not forever and I am happy to be here – or let’s say: not there – and to do what I do. And also, this is like 2 years ago.
But then, sometimes I look at pictures and suddenly, nothing is ok anymore, nothing is happy and it feels nothing will ever be good again.
I can see, hear and feel my heart breaking a little bit, confetti gets replaced by a dark empty street in the middle of nowhere.
And then I try to figure out what it is. Was it the city? Was it a someone? Was it just a time?
Should I delete all the pictures and try to delete the memories?
Did I leave my heart in San Francisco? And if so, when will I get it back? What is it that I miss? What is it that I need so bad?
It’s probably just good memories. It’s not that I’ve never felt that happy, it’s not that I miss something and someone I had, or trust I wonder if I will ever find in someone again.
It is the reason why I quit timehop, a service that sends you emails with the social media shit you left that day a year ago.
I couldn’t and I still can’t see it. I wish the pictures would make me happy, thinking of good times, but they don’t.
Every time iPhoto opens and punches the pictures into my face, it makes me sad – even though I had never been happier.
It’s crazy and it’s nuts and I guess I totally overdo it right now. And it will go away. Maybe, when I decide and try to go back. Or somewhere else. To find something new.
Maybe I already have and I just don’t see it right now.